I'm utterly tired of this mess. I'm at the point now where I know that shouldn't care if you live or die. I think you are, one of the most selfish people, I have ever known. I don't want to hear that you're going to kill yourself. This is not my problem. I cannot fix the way you feel, as you cannot fix me, and who I am. I cannot stop you from doing this. I cannot make you not want to die. All along you've been waiting to die, anyway. I do not want to call you in the morning anymore. I do not want the worry of you not waking up, on my head. I also don't want the worry of lil t finding you.
In 7 1/2 years I've been trying to have your back, when all along I think I've been trying to fight your battles. I can't make everything okay, because it's not. You know about my friends. You know why I act the way I act and think the way I think. You know that all my friends (actual friends, not made up characters that streamline as filler) are dead. You know that I can barely breathe about the whole fucking subject, yet you still are pulling the cards. I hate you for this. I really fucking do. I knew I better than this all along, but chose to give you insight and time in what I believe, and how things can be different. I'm so mad at you that I could squash a grape, asshole.
I do not need you in my life. I find it easy to put the need away. I want you though. Maybe, not how you'd like me too. See day by day you stick the knife in and twist. Although I enjoy pain my dear, I'm becoming enlightened on what it's like, not to feel it much anymore. You have neglected everything for so long that I'm numb. I wait for the moment of anger. (Because, rage doesn't seem to exist here anymore.)
Today, I've had enough.
I'm really trying to be kind in explaining everything. I want you to tell me how you feel. Insight into ones inner most feelings are grand. I do not take advantage of it. (I'm not that girl.) Yet I can speak to you openly and I still feel as if you choose to hear what you want. You are coping horribly. I see it. I see you. I have this great power of acceptance. I also have been enlightened to the theory; Acceptance doesn't mean that I'm going to stand around and be tortured from afar. I walked out the door unwilling, but they were my feet. It's been many years in understanding that you want everything, but don't want to work for any of it. I'm tired of everyone taking, but had to realize that I'm giving myself away too freely. I deserve more then what you’re giving.
Sometimes, you need to do things differently. This time around I'm going to do, what my gut tells me. Even though, my soul cries out for one person to care. I don't want someone to be “my everything”. I don't need to be “their everything”. I want to learn about me. I don't know what I like anymore, because living life with the basics seems so hard. You have slammed me to the ground. You have stolen “my breathe”. I ache for more, but in the end, how could it even be with you? I have officially taken one more step back. You have still only felt a moment of my agony. I wish you didn't have to be here, I'm apathetic. I need to take my crappy life back. Step by step you're giving it to me, and it's not even what we want.